In this post, I will talk about another factor that contributes to my low self-esteem, self-image and confidence around my appearance. That is social media.

As I mentioned in the my last post, my appearance drastically changed during puberty due to weight gain and hormone imbalance. Moreover, performance anxiety (in order to maintain good grades in school) worsened everything by creating more stress. I used to be a very cute, lively child, and then random comments from people saying I looked “not as beautiful as” when I was a child, slowly, silently, unconsciously chipped away my confidence.

I started using social media (aka Facebook) around 2006-2007, during secondary school. I remembered I created one to connect with my friends because they all had one at that time; however, I had no idea about it. The account sat there idle for a long time, until I started to use it more when I was in university. And, really often, I came up posts discussing different beauty standards, like how you should look, what you should wear, how you should act…., and many posts about being more “favored/adorn” by everyone, only if you have a beautiful appearance. If you don’t, sadly, you will not be “liked” by anyone and treated with different standards. These posts were claimed to write from the point of view of people who are “experienced”, either by witnessing or experiencing themselves. Then, my brilliant mind made a wonderful connection between these information and my situation, and it was, “I was mistreated and overlooked, no matter how kind I was or how hard I worked, just because I did not have a good physical appearance”. Back then, I constantly compared myself to others, and never felt that I was enough. That created a lot of stress and a bunch of negative emotions such as anger, hatred, jealousy…. I did not clearly feel those emotions at that time, but they really hit me hard after I started to awaken spiritually and was connected more with my body. It was a really dark period of time, when the shadow self arised very strongly. I am so grateful for the help from my Spirit Team and the Universe. Without their help, it would be much more difficult to survive without suffocating under those emotions.

In addition, as I mentioned briefly in the post about my spiritual awakening, my love life back then was nothing. I have never received a confession or whatsoever. Most of the time, I felt invisible, and unlovable. Just because I do not look good, nobody gonna likes me; I am not desired romantically. At some point, I almost lost hope in love, and was ready to accept that I was unworthy of love and might be alone for the rest of my life. Yet deep inside, a small flame of hope was never truly faded away, and I am so grateful for that, until today.

After a long journey of healing and self-acceptance, I can now embrace these old emotions whenever they come up. The wound is still there, but I can hold it tenderly now instead of being “blown away” by all those emotions. I realized a lot of meaningful lessons after everything, and I am so thankful that they shape me into who I am today.

I grew up in a traditional Asian family, and being a girl in my family means you have to behave well, listen and obey the things you are taught. If not, you will be labeled as “unfilial”. I did not really have a “voice” when I was small, and that shaped the way I interact with people later. I am easily affected by others’ opinions, and cannot speak up for myself when I am wronged/hurt/disrespected. Many harsh comments for my appearance were from my own family members; so when I saw those ideas/standards on social media, I automatically claimed them as true, that I have to look like someone else to be loved.

I learned to set up bounderies. To be honest, I have no idead what “boundery” is when I was younger. The first time I came across this word was in a Tarot reading, when I was almost 30. I realize that I need strong bounderies to protect myself and my energy. People can have their opinions, but I have the choice to decide whether they are true or not. I love how I look, and that is enough. I do not have to follow anyone’s standards or ideas, because what truly makes us beautiful is our uniqueness and authenticity. I am enough just as I am. My worth and my value does not depend on any validations outside of myself. Moreover, my beauty also comes from who I am as a person. The physical appearance is just a reflection of my inner beauty, and as I continue to learn, grow and evolve, with compassion, love and understanding, my physical appearance will surely become more beautiful.

“It must be true that I do not look good. Even my family does not like the way I look. How can someone like me?”

Such thoughts haunt me for so long, until I decided that I have to change and be my true self. From my point of view, social media is not the main problem here, but it amplifies the effect that has already eroded my idea of “self”. If I was strongly rooted in who I am, nothing could shake me, including those ideas of “fake image perfection”. However, inside me was like a water pipe with small cracks everywhere, and slowly, everything exploded under so much pressure. It took me a lot of time, courage and discipline to slowly pick myself up and rewire my brain to tell a different story. I am still working on it, one step, one day at a time. Someday is harder than the other, but I think consistency is the key here. You cannot do anything except trying to push through those limits. However, do not be too harsh on yourself.

Social media, to me, is just like everything else in our life. Everything has two sides to it. Nothing is born “good” or “bad”; what matters is the way you “see” it. I think the most beautiful part about social media is that it helps us connect with each other, no matter the distance. I am so thankful for it during my time in Europe; I was able to see my mom’s and my sister’s faces whenever I miss them, although we are thousands of kilometers away from each other. It helps me feel their presence, and remind me that I am not alone on this huge continent. After all, as human, we are all designed to connect with each others. As we consume food to nourish our body, social media should be seriously considered as one of the food for our mind, and we should choose to consume the right ones, in moderation. If we use it correctly, it can bring us a lot of benefits. I still receive guidance for my own spiritual journey through social media, and I get to know lots of wonderful and beautiful knowledge and stories.

Another thing I realize is that the outer world is just a reflection of what I perceive inside. From the day I recognize those limiting beliefs and was determined to change myself, I see positive changes happening around me. My relationship with my family gets better. I can now speak up my thoughts and my bounderies in a calm and respectful way, and am listened by everyone. I start talking more with my mom about how I feel, and she apologized for not really caring enough for my emotions. Our bond deepens, and I feel more and more like myself around my family now. I learn to recognize relationships/things that are not aligned with me, and start creating clear bounderies and distance. In addition, I am more selective in choosing the food for my mind and body. Social media seems more “friendly” to me now; I receive guidance from the Angels and the Universe, and cute, positive messages from time to time to cheer me up. Whenever I see something that does not support my growth and my learning, I gently take a step back and walk away. Sometimes, you do not need to cut something off completely. You can be in it, but still be safe because you know how to protect yourself. Social media helps us connect with each other, but it is crucial that we learn to connect with ourselves first. When we are deeply connected in our truth and in who we truly are, nothing outside can sway us away. Moreover, you attract what you believe. I used to think so low about myself, and I kept seeing those “proofs” that validated those thoughts. Nevertheless, when I decide to see myself in a different light, I receive confirmations that say “That is right. I am light”. You are more powerful than you think. The minute you are brave enough to claim that power, it is yours. It is always there, waiting for you to return to your true self, not “you” that the world around you wants you to believe.

I used to think I was unworthy of love, but now I understand that the Universe has been protecting me all this time. I sometimes feel lonely and left-out, but the isolation is to protect me from hurt and disappointment. I trust that everything happens for a reason. When I am ready to love and be loved, love will come to me. In the meantime, I will continue to take care of myself, learn, grow and enjoy my life. I am so grateful, happy and blessed to be me and be on my unique journey.

So, go within and ask yourself truthfully, “Who I truly am?”. It may take some time to answer that question, but some day, you will be able to see why it is the best thing that you have done.

Have a nice day or night wherever you are. I will see you in the next post 😎