I will be honest here: whenever I see a girl, I used to look at their arms and legs first (nothing pervert here, I swear!!!). It just automatically pulls my attention. I did not pay much attention to why I did that, until I start my self-exploration journey. And then, I realized something more than just a “weird” habit.

This habit actually appeared from my teenage years, probably around age 12-13. I used to be body-shamed quite a lot. During puberty, I gained quite some weight, especially in the arms and legs, and had acne all over my face due to hormone imbalance. It was actually not that much weight; however, as I was an underweighed kid when I was a child, the change looked more “huge”. I still remember how shock my mom was when we went to the clothing store, and she saw my thigh, and wondered why it was so “big”. I knew there was not toxicity here; she loves me a lot, but I felt really hurt for a long time. I did not tell her about my feelings at that time. I used to be a very shy and quiet child, and I had the tendency to suppress my feelings if they were negative, because if I said them out loud, I was afraid that I might be called “too sentitive” or “too much”.

Another time, when I was having a Physical Education class, the teacher (who is a male) announced that our commune wanted to recruit an aerobics team. He then asked groups of 2-3 girl students to come up and just stretched our arms, and he later chose the ones who, he thought, had the most beautiful arms and legs (aka straight and slim). It still makes me feel weird when I think of the situation. We did not think much at that time; it was a whole class of almost 50 students, and we were probably too young to think of anything else. By the way, when it was my turn, I was called to stand next to my classmate, who was one of the most popular girls in our class and our grade level. Of course, she was chosen for the team, and the teacher said that I was rejected because my arms were not straight enough. I felt very disappointed because I really wanted to join the aerobic team, and also felt sad and shameful after receiving that comment. Nevertheless, the feelings were buried deep inside me since then. I have never told anyone before; recently, I told my mom about that experience, and she was so shocked and angry. “How could he do that to a child?”, she said. Yes, I agree. When I think about it, I also ask the same question. Probably that teacher did not think much when he said that. He did not intentionally want to hurt my feeling, but the fact is that it hurt me, and has been hurting me for a really long time.

I can now understand why I have this habit. Those feelings that I was never strong enough to observe and process, keep coming up by making me look at other girls’ arms and legs and compare myself to them. This lowers my self-confidence, and it takes me a lot of time and effort to rewire those limiting beliefs about myself and my body. I try to praise myself more, although it was really awkward in the beginning. I understand now that, there is no standard for beauty, and we are all beautiful in our unique way. People can have their opinions, but it is not true unless you accept it as “true”. I want better things for myself, so I will shift my mindset to match that desire. I now know to better take care of myself, and do not let others’ opinions or comments about my appearance affect me as much. I still feel insecure and not fully confident in my self-image, but I am working through all of those limits. I know I can do it. I am learning to confidently stand in my own light and embrace myself fully, exactly as who I am.

If you have been in a similar situation, I hope you can also have the courage to choose a better story for yourself. Those experiences also teach me to be more careful with my words. Sometimes, we say something without thinking much, but it actually affects another person more than we realize. Words can build people, and can also breaks people, so we should use them carefully. I no longer hold any anger for those people or experience. They taught me a valuable lesson about loving myself and taking care of myself properly.  

Moreover, I am now more open to talk about how I feel. I realize that emotions should be felt, not be suppressed. They are the messengers, the guidance that go with us through our healing journey. I will talk more about this in the next post.

Have a nice day and night wherever you are, and remember, you are beautiful, exactly as you are.